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I am beginning to have serious doubts that anyone loves me on this island. Today they tried to auction me off to the Trading Post in exchange for clothing. When the store owner asked what was so special about me, they pushed me off a cliff and replied, “LOOK! AN UNDEAD…THING!”

Oh my god, I have feelings TOO you guys! I would end it all knowing this but I can’t! Slitting my wrists does no good because there are no more veins to cut.

OH WOE IS ME!! Can’t you see I’m hurting profusely on the inside?!?...even if I don’t have that many insides left….

You are all insensitive jerks and I am going to shoot you all out of revenge! FEAR MY REVENGE!!

Baby Juice & You!

I finally found one for that juice box chick on how to make my specialty juice preference. Since baby juice isn’t really a commodity item you can pick up at the market (unless you're in Undercity), let me introduce you to the thing I use to get that vitamin rich lab test juice jar for you:

The Baby Juicer 9000!


 

In other news today, Cale has stopped sneezing. The good news is that he’s now contracting Hopping Syndrome. It’s funny watching him bounce around the ship. I’m thinking of giving him a pogo stick to add to the hilarity. I need something to entertain me while the red-head and Coke Zero continue to bitch at each other over who tossed who’s tools overboard and who smelted who’s katana down into a wrench afterwards.

Apparently we’re due in for another member on board days ago and he still hasn’t shown up. Coke Zero explains to me that this message came by “fax” whatever the heck that means. Someone about a “final” was being mentioned by said individual whose ass is still not on board yet. Well, whatever…

Guess I’ll go back to juicing.


Look Who I Found!

Look who I managed to snag! I didn’t think he’d still be alive inside that bright white plane of doom but apparently he’s more resilient than I give his twiggy little race credit. Since I’m on a ship with a military nut and an emo swordsman, I figured adding Justice Boy into the mix would make things more entertaining to me. Thing needed a sacrifice and all I have to offer at the time was the red-head’s flowers. Apparently he conjured more than the ones I originally toasted, so I figured the planar demons would love my inside joke of two thousand chrysanthemums of various colors to bring back the flouncy elf.  

The portal spell took a minute to conjure up, there were a few side effects bringing him to the ocean side. I think this has been the 945,234,034 time he’s sneezed in the past hour. It’s simply a marvelous chain explosion of sneezing; I won’t even bother mentioning the feathers that are poking out from the backside of his pants…yet. Even though I am a warlock of immense propensity for the morbid acts of slaughter, I am not one to shirk the smaller joys in life that are grouped into the definitive word of “Schadenfreude”.

By the way, our cook says that he’s making Yakitori for dinner tonight.

Tags:

That’s right, I’m back bitches. Did you all miss me? Had to take care of a little “extermination problem” at my place for a bit. Missionaries…what a pain in my bones sometimes. Do you know how tedious it is to scrub holy water out of…well…just about anything? It’s no easy feat. Gruesomely delightful, yes! Easy, no. None of my village peons are going to be converted to the Light as long as I’m around. They deserve worse, and far be it for me to deny them of that! Besides, my economic stimulus package is second to none.

 

So what have the rest of you “living” fools been up to while I was away? Please enlighten me with your boring tales of unimpassioned goals and lack of actual pirating / marine skills.  Zoro can just skip this portion all together since the only words he can muster are caveman grunts of: “hnf”, “wtf” and “…” .

I guess, while I’m at it, I should get the update of who is snogging who, right? Can’t get into the teen wank spirit without a proper Gossip Girl-type update!

My New Hobby - The "Child Choker" Smoker

Apparently the guys over at the Marine Corp aren’t too impressed with the lack of bounties coming in. So a new freelance mercenary company by the name of Shoot ‘Em Dead Bounties Inc. have decided to wrangle up some criminals in order to clean the seas of unwanted baddies. They’re a new start-up company and looking to hire on some new agents. So I decided to amuse myself for shits and giggles since I’ve already turned every single innocent villager on this massively populated island undead.

There are only so many games of Scrabble you can play with the undead. Their memories turn to mush and soon they start spelling words like “Grrblvrgsnarf” and begin claiming a hundred points in their favor. Oddly enough, they’re still fairly decent at Monopoly. Who knew?

When you sign up with Shoot ‘Em Dead Bounties Inc. you get a complimentary fax machine! Naturally it’s for sending you their wonderous WANTED fliers. Here’s the one I received today with a subsequent report explaining the situation:

 

 

“Child Choker” Smoker is wanted for various criminal acts such as the assault and battery of a young teenage boy, committing high treason by consorting with as well as upholding sexual relations with known alleged pirates, endangering the health and welfare of innocent civilians and crew members by gratuitously smoking in a confined underwater vehicle, and having impeccably poor taste in interior decorating. The Child Choker is considered armed with Male PMS and very grumpy. Proceed with extreme caution! If you happen to visually appear young, male, and red-headed he may pounce and try to choke a bitch. Also, do not mention “redecorating bathrooms” as this appears to be a trigger statement that will render him nucking futz.

 Good luck!

O Holy Night... (The Near Theme Song)

My lameness is brightly SHIIIIIIIINING!!!

I am a player...that sucks at my ROLLLLLLLE!

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII can't take a JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!

BECAUUUUUUUUUUUSE I suck at CRAAAAAAAACK GAMES!!

OH WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY won't people PLAYYYYYYYYYYYY WITH ME!!

Oh niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....when Near sucked asssss!!!

Oh Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii suck at CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!

I should jump....right off my ship!!!



((OOC: Can't delete this comment! AHAHAH!!!)

EVERYONE!!!

CHARLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I have sold out to a bleach commercial. All of you can kiss my white, bony ass about it. I have spent a great deal of time figuring out how to use my powers for ultimate nefarious evil. Nothing of extreme use is coming up yet, but for now enjoy the fact that the fleet boats are a BLINDINGLY WHITE GLEAMING RAY OF INTENSE EYE SHRIVELING LIGHT! We shall all sail the seven seas as though the second coming of God is upon us. Then we’ll all take a few hits from the bong and recall the days when the dark drudgery of the plague was once a glorious thing to behold.

Oh my Dark Lady Banshee Queen Sylvanus, how I have strayed from the devious path of the Forsaken. How I long to massacre millions of innocent mortals with infinite powers of the underworld at my command. Now I am nothing but a glittery ghost white visage of imbecilic Light in its purest form. Instead of disintegrating puppies and bunnies, my intentions of unadulterated evil are sugar coated with urges to create cute little ribbons around their necks (which I have the greatest of urges to STRANGLE them with albeit the magical bindings that prevent me to do such things). When I see babies, I want to claw off their deliciously supple skin and gnaw on their intestines, but instead I somehow end up cooing them to sleep and tickling them with merriment! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!! I AM RICHARD! CHIEF WARLOCK OF THE BROTHERS OF DARKNESS, LORD OF THE THIRTEEN HELLS, MASTER OF THE BONES, EMPEROR OF THE BLACK, LORD OF THE UNDEAD, LORD OF THE DANCE, KING OF THE FAERIES, AND MAYOR OF A LITTLE VILLAGE OFF THE COAST! …NOT NANNY RICHARD!

…..FEEL MY DISNIFIED HANA MONTANA STYLE WRATH!!

[LJ has detected sounds of sobbing at this point in time.]

I Knew It!

I knew those dancing sea ponies would steal my ideas and give them away to others! Can’t trust those bloody underwater merfolk for the death of you! Though I guess in the grand scheme of things, I should be quite flattered that this little girl took my ideas to heart. She must be a tenor voice since she went out of her way to mimic me. But I digress.


 

 

They Shall Bend to My Will

Oh the mass murder! The mayhem! The flock of spiritual escapades I’ve relished in!

 

…and it seems my crew has accidentally forgotten me.

 

 

Hmm…this is a bit of a dilemma.

Can't Help Myself

So who wants to take bets on how long the Emo-bot is going to last before he:

A) Offs himself in the wankiest of manners.

B) Someone puts the damn bucket of steel and bolts out of its misery.